Monday, August 9, 2010

An Apology To, And In Behalf Of, All Married Men

Some of you may be aware of a set of rules which governs how men interact with other men. It is known most commonly as the "Bro Code". Most of the rules are written only in the DNA on the "Y" chromosome, but there have been compilations recorded in a few places on the internet.

For any female readers out there who may be curious about what kind of rules are in the Bro Code, I'll share a few examples. But before I do, I must state that no man expects you to understand these rules, and you should not expect him to explain - or defend them. Right or wrong, they are in his DNA. He can no more explain/defend the Bro Code, than he can explain/defend the color of his eyes or his naturally masculine physique.

"Bros Before Hoes". I know some find the verbology of this ruel to be crude, but remember, this is translated directly from our DNA with no "politically correct" filter involved. This is the number one rule on which most other rules depend. This rule basically means that if a man's girlfriend (or her interests) conflict with those of his best friend's, he should always go with his friend's. (The reasoning being that girfriends come and go, but you have your bros forever).



"Buffer Urinal". Also known as ICUP, or International Choice of Urinal Protocol. There is a pretty deep and entertaining examination of this here. The quick explanation is simply that there should always be a buffer urinal between two guys going to the bathroom. There is no reason for two guys to pee next to each other if there are empty urinals to separate them.

Other rules govern when it's OK to cheat in a game (if there is no money involved), when it's OK to smack talk or badmouth a friends favorite sports team, etc.

The reason I bring up the Bro Code, it that things change once you get married. As I said before, Most of the Bro Code governs the interaction of male friends, with the number one guiding principle being "bros before hoes". Obviously marriage changes this. Now that rule - the base rule- get overruled by the new rule: "Whatever makes your wife Happy".

We love our wives, and we want them to be happy for two reasons: We just want them to be happy because we love them, and when they are happy, we are happy.

Among married men, this new rule is understood. Gone are the days when you would go hang out with the guys rather than sit at home watching a romantic comedy with your girl. None of your married friends will tease you (much) when you have to watch the kids while your wife has a "girls night out".

We live with it. We accept it. We take it like men. After all, most of the stuff we do to make our wives happy is kept private, so none of the guys know the girly details. At least, thats how it was until recently, which brings me to my apology.

With the growing popularity of blogging, nothing is kept private anymore. Everything a man does for his wife is shared with the world. Every man can see how far his friend has been emasculated. It is not for this humiliating exposure that I apologize. After all, we all know to what extent we go to make our wives happy, and can infer that other men are doing likewise.

The apology is for the fact that other men's wives see what we have done.

One man has flowers delivered each hour to his wife on the day of their anniversary, the number of flowers increasing incrementally until the number of flowers equals the number of years they have been married.

Another man surprises his wife randomly by watching the kids while he sends her to the spa.

Another throws a huge surprise party for her birthday.

In each case, somewhere, another man's wife reads about it on a blog and says to her husband,

"Why don't you ever do things like that for me?"

For this I apologize to all married men, on behalf of all married men. I also accept the apology on behalf of all men. We know it's not your fault.

I should tell you that this apology comes about from something a friend said to me. To protect him, I will keep his identity a secret. He did a grand thing for the sake of his wife's happiness. When My wife complimented him for it, he stated to me - in front of my wife - that I don't need to do what he did, just because he did it. Even though he was doing it because some other guy had done it before him.

With that in mind, I suggest that we men continue with our lives knowing that we may have to do things for our wife simply because other men have done it first. And to help each other out, try not to "one-up" the other guy. And occasionally, within earshot of your buddy's wife, excuse him from having to match your feats.

5 comments:

Alisha Stamper | Photographer said...

NICE. todd will enjoy this. and I think its a necessary thing to address, because there is a lot of that... my personal remedy for our house is to NOT read a lot of friends/family blogs. I keep them to a minimum (so that i'm actually spending time with the kids instead of on the computer all the time)... but also so i'm not feeling envious.

Valerie said...

Ben, you are hilarious! I've always wondered what I.C.U.P stands for. I found that entry about urinals facinating. Now I know what goes on in the men's room, but it still doesn't explain why there is no line for the men's room and always a line for the women's.

Valerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andy Porter said...

Funny funny funny.

Jared and Kendra said...

Hey, Ben, I don't know if you remember me or not (Kendra -- from Ghetto Orem, Val's old roommate), but that was a most excellent post. I think that the best part has to be that there seems to be a comment that was made by Val that was deleted .... Hmmmm.....