Sunday, December 14, 2008

My Talented Wife and the Father's Guide to Pregnancy.

I want to share with you one of Valerie's talents. You might think I'm going to talk about how she's an awesome teacher, or super crafty-creative. Or, you might think I would go with her obvious (and recently realized) photography talent. Well, if you thought I was going to talk about those, you're wrong, and if you would stop interrupting me and trying to finish my sentences, I would get to the point - as soon as I share some thoughts.

Pregnancy is different for every woman. It's got to be hard right? I mean they have a parasite inside of them stealing all their nutrients and energy. They get fatter - which seems to be every woman's nightmare. And then there are the uncomfortable things like having to go to the bathroom every two minutes, craving food at odd times, and of course puking all the time.

Let it be known that I am fully sympathetic of all pregnant women.

What about their husbands? Pregnancy is really hard for us too. First of all, from the moment she finds out that she's pregnant, she is constantly questioning whether or not she is showing yet. Every man knows that the answer to "Do I look fat?" is ALWAYS "No!". It gets more complicated when you are dealing with a pregnant woman. She is conflicted. She doesn't want to be fatter, but at the same time, she is excited to see the proof of the baby inside her. So if you answer "No" she hears "You're are getting all excited about the baby and just imagining that you can see this miracle growing each day" and she gets frustrated and upset. If you answer "Yes", she hears "You look fat". I try to go with an "honesty is the best policy" approach which just frustrates Val (because her belly is just barely showing so far).

Next you have the cravings. These can actually be a good thing for the Husband - as long as she is craving something you also enjoy. Val craves red meat - delicious! I look forward to her saying "Will you run to a local fast food establishment and get me a burger?" She feels bad about making me go, so she lets me get some for myself as well. So what could be bad about it? Imagine it's mid December. It's cold and rainy outside. The kids are all down for the night, and you have just gotten ready for bed. You climb under your favorite fleece blanket and settle into bed all nice and cozy. You flip on the TV and - look at that - a great show is just starting. -- Something about your total comfort triggers her cravings. Now you have to pull off the warm covers, get dressed, go out into the wet cold night, and miss a good show. But hey, you get a hamburger right?

Apparently pregnancy shrinks a woman's bladder too. Yesterday, in the time we were shopping at Target - maybe 30 minutes, Valerie had to go to the bathroom twice. For some men, this could get really annoying, but the way I see it, it actually means more time for me to play the Demo Playstation 3 in the electronics depatment. So Val, take your time, and maybe you should go one more time before we leave - just in case.

Lastly there is the puking. Most women get morning sickness. Not Valerie. She gets evening sickness. I figure it's really morning sickness - it's just confused. Valerie was born in Korea, so it's on Korean time. Morning there - evening here. This leads me to Valerie's awesome talent. She has total control of her puking. in fact, she seems to be able to decide whether or not to she should puke. She says to me; "I'm nauseous, I can't decide if I should eat or throw up". If we have instantly available food she'll eat, if not, she'll puke - but only when she's good and ready. Seriously, she can totally control when she will puke - the way most people can with going to the bathroom. It's not unusual for her to say that she needs to puke, but on her way to the bathroom she'll get sidetracked by some project and 20 minutes later she say "Oh I forgot, I need to puke". She's AWESOME! You probably already read her thoughts about puking at her blog.

If I don't get to write again before Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone!


Andy Porter said...

That's pretty funny. Quite the talent.

Andy Porter said...

I am not going to deny nor confirm if I feel that pregnancy is tough on me too. But I am pretty much certain that I am done having a pregnant wife. Joe

Valerie said...

I was just thinking that this is Ben's fourth pregnancy and only my third. Poor Ben!

Maxmomma said...

OKay, that is totally awesome. One day she'll have to teach me this talent because my best pregnancy days are when I am able to puke (we are not pregnant, I mean when we are).

You've got one awesome woman there, Ben. And we women know we put you guys through a lot. Glenn-the-never-complainer will only on occasion mention "oh no, I go through the pregnancies too" and I know there is a lot unspoken behind those words. You guys are champs! Thanks for bearing the other half of pregnancy!I don't know how any single woman gets through it.